I keep thinking of Kolya. I told him, last week, that I finally understood that huge argument we had, when I first returned to England after my Mastery, where I blew up at him for all his fretting about me and his reluctance to involve me in his work with he-whose-name-I-shall-never-again-write. I wonder how many of us came to the point where we could not, in good conscience, involve those we loved in the Unmaker's tangles, but did not dare say so.
(And then I remembered that same argument, where Kolya burst out that he hoped I had a son just like me someday, and then stopped yelling at me to laugh and say he didn't know if he meant it as a curse or a blessing. And I told him it was a blessing, whole and entire, to have one person in whom I have utter faith that I will never be betrayed.)
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I keep thinking of Kolya. I told him, last week, that I finally understood that huge argument we had, when I first returned to England after my Mastery, where I blew up at him for all his fretting about me and his reluctance to involve me in his work with he-whose-name-I-shall-never-again-write. I wonder how many of us came to the point where we could not, in good conscience, involve those we loved in the Unmaker's tangles, but did not dare say so.
(And then I remembered that same argument, where Kolya burst out that he hoped I had a son just like me someday, and then stopped yelling at me to laugh and say he didn't know if he meant it as a curse or a blessing. And I told him it was a blessing, whole and entire, to have one person in whom I have utter faith that I will never be betrayed.)